A cycle breaking christmas

This year I chose to spend Christmas on my own. I needed to break a cycle that was no longer serving me. I needed to let go of a lot of guilt. And I needed to reconnect to what’s truly important to me.

(I know it’s a huge privilege to be able to make this choice, I know there are many people alone at this time of year without choice, and I know people are experiencing horrific things again without any choice. For now I can only speak for my own experience).

Historically Christmas has been an extremely stressful time piled high with expectation and rules and all the anxiety that goes with the chronic and frantic perfectionism of a parent. A very ‘children should be seen and not heard’ kind of day. And then, as many with divorced parents will understand, a feeling of always being in the wrong place. If I was with one parent I felt - or maybe even was inadvertently made to feel - guilty, and vice versa. Wherever I was I was extremely aware that I was disappointing someone, and I was highly anxious about.

I’ve spent that last couple of Christmases in Germany which I have loved, and this has made me enjoy Christmas again. But the guilt still lingered, the feeling of being in the wrong place, of disappointing people, was still there.

This year I felt the right place was home, taking time to myself to feel calm, to truly relax, and to break this cycle. And this meant disappointing a few people.

However, I very quickly learnt that the people who love and care for me simply supported my decision. They wanted to make sure I was happy with this decision, and for me to know that I knew if I changed my mind there was an invitation there, but they understood and supported my decision. Of course one person did not react this way, but I now know that that is not my burden, or guilt, to carry anymore.

So, my nervous system settled. I knew I was safe to voice what I wanted and needed. I could choose to do whatever felt right for me.

And next year I plan to be back in Germany… without guilt, and without feeling like I’m in the wrong place.