The Fear of wedding speeches
I was recently asked to contribute to an article following some research that revealed:
Almost a third of Brits (30%) feel that the wedding tradition of giving speeches needs modernising for 2023
More than four-in-ten nearly-weds (42%) say the thought of their own wedding speeches makes them feel nervous
A quarter (27%) say this is because they are anxious about giving a speech, while the majority (72%) are more worried about what will be said about them
Here are my thoughts…
How common is it to have a fear of, or anxiety from the idea public speaking?
In studies of most common human fears, public speaking ranks at number 1 in the US and number 2 in the UK, ahead of spiders, snakes, the fear of death, enclosed spaces and the fear of flying. Fear of public speaking can span from slight nervousness/butterflies to extreme anxiety leading to strong physical reactions such as light-headedness, heart palpitations, and even panic attacks. Around 70% of the adult population will experience nervousness around public speaking, while approximately 20 - 30% are said to have a phobia of public speaking. So if you’re feeling a bit uneasy about your upcoming wedding speech… you are certainly not alone.
What advice would you give to someone who is nervous about giving a speech at a wedding?
There are multiple causes of a fear of public speaking, one of which originates in the idea that living as a group would protect us from predators, so standing alone away from the group can risk death. So the first piece of advice I’d give is to remember that despite what your nervous system is programmed to think about you standing up there alone, you’re not in a life or death situation.
However, the fear of the unknown that comes from taking on this task is still very relevant and can feel overwhelming. We don’t know what people will think, how people will react, or if we will get through the speech without tripping over our words, going blank, saying totally the wrong thing and completely embarrassing ourselves. When we are faced with the unknown we protect ourselves by preparing for the worst. Then, if the mother in law doesn’t get up and punch us in the face we can deem that a success. But this does not help with the anxiety leading up to the speech.
So how do you overcome the fear?
Listen to what your mind is saying and question it. Is this thought a fact that can be proven or is this just a story you are telling yourself. If the thought is not based on fact, dismiss it.
Your audience are listening to what you say, not judging your performance. A majority of your audience would feel as nervous as you standing up there doing the wedding speech so they’re probably impressed that you were brave enough to get up there in the first place. Try to focus on just talking to them, not performing for them. It can even help to look for a handful of kind faces in the audience and direct most of your attention towards them. This will make the crowd seem smaller and make you feel more comfortable.
Breathe. Bringing yourself into the moment rather than thinking ahead to what might happen is a great way to reduce anxiety around public speaking. A really simple and effective way to bring yourself into the present moment is to focus on slow deep breaths. A couple of effective breathing exercises you could try are as follows:
Inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath in for 4, exhale for 4, hold your breath out for 4 (repeat 5-10 times)
Inhale for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 6 (repeat 5-10 times)
10 deep breaths
How common is it to be worried about what people might say about you in front of friends and family?
Around 3 quarters of nearly-weds fear what may come up in the wedding speeches. Let’s face it, we all have a bad decision or an embarrassing moment or two that we’d rather forget, and the most likely people to be aware of those skeletons in our closets are the ones closest enough to us to be in our wedding party making the speeches… Catch 22. The pang of shame from simply remembering these moments in private is enough but having them broadcast to your soon to be in laws and elderly grandparents is a fear I’m sure nearly all of us can relate to.
What advice would you give to someone who is concerned about what might be said in their wedding speeches?
The fear of what may be said in the wedding speeches again stems from a fear of the unknown, the potential public embarrassment and judgement, or fear of how others may view us. And again, fearing the worst is a subconscious way to protect ourselves.
I could suggest, as before, that you challenge your thoughts and establish whether they are fact or fiction… you can’t predict the future so try not to spend energy on what might be said and stay in the moment.
An important thing to remember is that your guests are at your wedding because they love you no matter what, and they are all human with their own embarrassing moments and regrettable decisions.
However, my key piece of advice would be BOUNDARIES! If it is not appropriate for your elderly grandmother to hear about that thing you once did when you were at uni set the boundary that this anecdote is off limits. This is your wedding and if the stress of your dirty laundry being aired to your brand new in-laws is going to distract you from enjoying your day have a chat with those you’ve chosen to do the speeches about where you draw the line. Just because it’s ‘tradition’ for the wedding speeches to embarrass the happy couple doesn’t mean this has to be the case for you.