The Impossible Responsibility... and the burden we carry
I always felt responsible for other peoples emotions and reactions. I would monitor and adapt my behaviour and everything I said in order to ensure everyone else was happy and comfortable. I was always on high alert and always anxious. If someone wasn’t happy I felt a lot of guilt and would immediately try to find ways to ‘fix’ the situation. I did this throughout childhood, and carried it through into my adult relationships until I eventually learnt that you cannot control how other people feel.
I would avoid telling the truth if I thought it’d make someone else uncomfortable. I’d supress my anger or upset if I thought it’d make someone else feel bad. I’d always say I was fine so everyone else would be comfortable. I had no boundaries because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.
We will all feel however we are going to feel in any given situation. It can’t be changed or fixed. We can only feel it, process it, and move through it.
I was trying to control the uncontrollable. I was taking on more responsibility than was mine to carry.
I learnt:
It’s impossible to ‘manage’ other peoples emotions.
It’s also not fair or healthy to try and take on the responsibility of other peoples emotions at the expense of your own.
Your feelings are as important as everyone else’s.
And I realised that I couldn’t even control my own emotions, so what on earth was I doing trying to control everyone else’s?!
Now, I’m not suggesting we start running around without a care in the world about how everyone else feels. However, there is a difference between being compassionate and trying to take on an impossible responsibility.
Being compassionate involves understanding and empathising with others' emotions, offering support, and showing kindness and concern. It's about being there for someone, listening to them, and offering help or comfort when needed. We can always offer compassion, but we cannot take on the responsibility of managing someone else’s emotions. We can only be responsible for our intent.
As I learnt to let go of this responsibility my nervous system started to settle, I was less anxious, no longer constantly scanning the room for potential danger. I felt calmer and unburdened… but never any less compassionate.