Comfort in the Discomfort...or safety in the familiar?
A theme has been cropping up over the last couple of weeks in coaching sessions and in my own life. As I’ve spent time exploring my shadows (see last week’s newsletter), I’m becoming more aware of the uncomfortable patterns I’m tending to find ‘comfort’ in. For both my clients and I, in pursuit of growth and wellbeing, awareness of these patterns is the first step in breaking them. But why do we find ourselves finding comfort in discomfort…
Finding comfort in familiar uncomfortable situations is a paradoxical aspect of human behaviour that often puzzles and frustrates us. While we may logically recognize that these situations are detrimental to our well-being or hinder our growth, there is an innate pull towards them, a gravitational force that keeps us trapped in cycles of discomfort and stagnation. Understanding why we gravitate towards familiar discomfort is crucial for breaking free from these patterns and creating positive change in our lives.
One reason we find comfort in familiar uncomfortable situations is the sense of predictability they offer. Even if these situations are unpleasant or stressful, they are known quantities, and as such, they provide a sense of stability and control in an otherwise chaotic and uncertain world. The familiarity of discomfort can be oddly reassuring, offering a false sense of comfort derived from the belief that we know what to expect and how to navigate these situations, even if they are ultimately detrimental to our well-being.
Furthermore, familiar uncomfortable situations may serve as a form of self-preservation or avoidance of the unknown. Stepping outside of our comfort zones and confronting unfamiliar challenges can be intimidating and anxiety-provoking, leading us to cling to the safety of the familiar, even if it means enduring discomfort. In this way, familiar uncomfortable situations become a refuge from the perceived risks and uncertainties of change, allowing us to maintain a semblance of control over our lives, albeit at the expense of our growth and fulfilment.
Familiar uncomfortable situations often reflect deeply ingrained beliefs and conditioning that shape our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. These beliefs may stem from past experiences, childhood upbringing, or societal norms, and they exert a powerful influence on our thoughts, behaviours, and decision-making processes. Even if we consciously recognize the negative impact of these beliefs, they can be difficult to challenge and overcome, leading us to unconsciously seek out situations that validate and reinforce them, even if they are uncomfortable or even harmful.
Additionally, familiar uncomfortable situations may provide a sense of identity or validation of our worthiness. We may become attached to our role within our work, families, friendships, and relationships. If we were to change our standing, other people become affected alongside a change in perceived identity. Breaking free from these patterns requires a willingness to confront and challenge our underlying beliefs and assumptions about ourselves and our worthiness, and to cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth and self-compassion independent of external validation.
While it may seem counterintuitive, finding comfort in familiar uncomfortable situations is a common yet perplexing aspect of human behaviour. Whether driven by a desire for security, avoidance of the unknown, deeply ingrained beliefs, or seeking validation, these patterns can keep us trapped in cycles of discomfort and stagnation. Breaking free from these patterns requires a willingness to challenge our beliefs, step outside of our comfort zones, and cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness, self-worth, and resilience. By doing so, we can create positive change in our lives and embrace the discomfort of growth and transformation.