Should vs Want!
...Is your life driven by fear or desire?
Often when I meet a new client and they explain that their life is feeling out of balance or they’re a bit lost it is very often because they are navigating life based on what they feel they ‘should’ be doing. And this often leaves no space, time, or even consideration of what they might ‘want’ to be doing.
I too navigated the world by making every decision - big and small - based on what I thought I ‘should’ do. And only when I started to work on my people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies did I start to realise how this was affecting me. As I began to do the inner work I let go of the pressure and expectation of ‘should’, and began to reconnect with what I truly wanted.
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
– Nelson Mandela
Letting go of the word 'should' and embracing what we truly 'want' is a transformative shift that can profoundly change our lives, particularly in the realms of career, life goals, and inner beliefs. The word 'should' often represents an external obligation, expectation, or pressure. It’s a word rooted in societal norms, cultural expectations, and the voices of authority figures that have influenced us over time. When we operate from a place of 'should', we are not necessarily aligned with our authentic desires. Instead, we may be acting to please others, meet social standards, or avoid judgment, which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, burnout, or even resentment.
In terms of career, the trap of ‘should’ is especially prevalent. Many people find themselves pursuing professions because they think they ‘should’ follow a certain path - perhaps due to parental expectations, financial pressures, or the prestige associated with certain careers. They might push themselves into corporate jobs, high-paying fields, or traditional roles because that's what they believe they ‘should’ be doing to be considered successful. However, when the motivation is driven by external factors, rather than an intrinsic passion or interest, it can lead to disengagement and lack of fulfilment. Letting go of the ‘should’ allows one to connect more deeply with what they truly ‘want’ - whether that’s switching careers, starting a creative venture, or pursuing a passion that feels more meaningful. This shift can unlock new energy and commitment, leading to a greater sense of purpose and joy in professional life.
Life goals are another area where ‘should’ can be a silent saboteur. Society often has a prescribed timeline for life milestones - graduating by a certain age, getting married, buying a house, or having children. When people feel pressured to adhere to these milestones, they may set goals that are not genuinely aligned with their own desires. Pursuing what they ‘should’ want can create a disconnect from their true aspirations, causing internal conflict. However, when we consciously release these ‘shoulds’ and ask ourselves what we genuinely ‘want’ to achieve, our goals can shift dramatically. It might mean traveling the world instead of settling down, prioritising a fulfilling hobby over a traditional career, or choosing a less conventional lifestyle that aligns with our authentic self. These choices can be liberating and bring greater alignment between our actions and inner desires.
On a deeper level, the shift from ‘should’ to ‘want’ is also about reassessing inner beliefs and self-concept. The ‘shoulds’ we internalise often stem from limiting beliefs that have been conditioned into us - beliefs about what is possible, acceptable, or worthy of pursuit. They create a narrow view of our identity and potential, confining us to a life dictated by others' expectations. Embracing ‘want’ encourages a more expansive mindset, where we acknowledge and honor our unique desires, interests, and needs. This approach not only strengthens self-awareness but also fosters self-compassion, as it encourages us to be kinder and more accepting of who we are. It promotes a life led from a place of authenticity rather than fear, guilt, or obligation.
Ultimately, letting go of ‘should’ is about reclaiming agency over one's life. It allows us to prioritize choices that genuinely resonate with our true selves, which leads to more fulfilling careers, meaningful goals, and an authentic sense of self. It’s a practice of tuning into our own voice and allowing it to guide us, rather than being swayed by external pressures. When we embrace what we ‘want’, we can live a life that feels richer and more aligned with who we really are.
However, it’s not always so easy to identify or connect to our wants, particularly if we’ve been navigating life based on ‘shoulds’ for so long. Next week I’ll talk more about how we might reconnect to our own wants and needs.