Ever made a promise to yourself then broken it…
...then beat yourself up about it, then felt like a failure?
I used to be the queen of starting new hobbies or habits, loving them, totally embracing them, then losing interest, quitting, feeling bad, wondering why I can’t stick to anything, then feeling maybe a bit of embarrassment, guilt or even shame that I hadn’t stuck it out.
With my new (colour coded) routine, my fear of this cycle happening again has reared it’s head. And it’s been a prevalent topic for a couple of clients too.
There are a couple of things that I feel underpin the frustration of breaking the promises we make with ourselves… a natural human desire for novelty, and habits routed in ‘should’.
A desire for novelty
Novelty is good for our wellbeing. It is routed in our ancestors need to consistently find new environments to aid survival. New environments bring new knowledge and skills, more possibilities of food, potential mates etc etc.
As children we are very clear on when we find things interesting and fun, and when we are bored and ready to pick up something new.
But somewhere along the way we lose our acceptance of boredom and desire for new. The thing that was once a novelty becomes a ‘should’. Another task on the never ending to do list.
'Should's' are sh**
I have to thank my wonderful client for sharing this little nugget with me while we were discussing my disdain for the word ‘should’.
I’ll caveat this next bit with, of course as adults we have responsibilities that we must fulfil that aren’t always at the top of our list of ways to spend our time.
However, when we make promises to ourselves that begin with ‘should’… we’re already making things difficult. Our self-promises may then be routed in someone else’s values, not our own. They become disconnected from our values, wants and needs.
For me this used to be a very common occurrence, as my people pleasing traits had me so disconnected from my own needs I had no idea what they even were. ‘Should’ was all I had to go on.
Below are some questions to consider when you find yourself making a promise or commitment to yourself:
Why have you made this promise or commitment to yourself?
Is this self-promise or commitment still serving you or does it need to shift or change?
Is there novelty to be found within the self-promise?
Previously I would have created a new routine or habit for myself, it’d have last about 6 weeks and it’d have gone totally out of the window. I am confident about my new (colour coded) routine for a few reasons:
I have based it on what works for me, how I WANT my week to look, and what is important to me
It is loose enough to allow novelty
And if it stops working at any point, with what I know now I can allow myself to change it without feeling like I’ve failed.
If you're finding your self in a loop of breaking self-promises, drop me a message, let's chat!